Thursday, February 25, 2010

The "Evil Toilette..."

This is a view of "the evil toilet" from my bedroom. Can you see it lurking in the shadows like a would-be mugger or rapist? I know I've said it before, but I do not love the toilets here. You know at home how you hope for a really big, fast, poop every time you sit down? Well here, you actually wish against it, instead hoping for constipation.

Earlier my friend, Ben, wrote, "Dude, have you ever tried sledding down a hill without a sled? Lay down a coupla layers of TP on the shelf before you sit down. That essentially gives the little fellers a toboggan to ride down the slope."

Funny, right? Wrong. Laying down a "coupla" layers of TP on the shelf only elevates your poo-poo, Ben, bringing it closer to the land of the living. Your poop does not belong above ground ever. Again (sigh), not ever.

Another person who wished to remain anonymous emailed me and said, "I know, the ones in Romania are the SAME! There are many reasons why the USA is a superpower!!!!!"


My dear friend Noe said, "Oh goodness. I remember being traumatized by those things. Just wait until there isn't enough water pressure and you have to "chase" it down with a toilet brush. I think Ben's strategy is a good idea.

I think the germans developed that toilet so you can closely examine whether or not you were eating enough vegetables to offset the sausage, potatoes, and beer. When you eat like that you need to be vigilant. Patrick, you might resort to turning off the light until after you have flushed. And I've heard, that sometime the guys choose to sit down when peeing. Emasculating perhaps, but practical, nonetheless."


Margret from Norway wrote, "Aw, I forgot all about those toilets. Granted we have much better ones in Norway."

Unfortunately, I'm not in Norway, Margie-baby!

And last but not least, my sister, Missy, suggested, "I have a GREAT idea! What if you sat BACKWARDS on the toilet, essentially straddling it? Would that put the poop in the right place? Genius right? An idea like this can only come from someone raised in a superpower!"


I don't know what to think anymore. Earlier I caught myself sneering at the bathroom when I walked by it like, "you are NOT my friend."

I'm going to start a collection to have a toilet shipped from California. All the times when I foolishly walked by the toilets at the Home Depot, taking them for granted...

I'm sorry, toilets. Soooo, sorry.

welcome to Berlin?

The first few days here in Berlin have been a little bit of a blur due to jet lag, but for the most part it has been an easy transition.

Except for the toilets. They are awful. It has gotten to the point where I'll find myself daydreaming about toilets back home. Sigh, they're soooo dreamy.

To your right you will notice EXHIBIT A: the dreaded Poop-ledge toilet, which is hands down the worst invention I have ever heard of. When you go number two, your poop will just sit up on that ledge, watching you. Judging you.

My flat-mate, Jake, informed me that it was possibly designed because the Germans ate so much meat that they would need to inspect their poop for worms. After this little bit of info was passed on to me we both agreed going Vegan could be apart of our near future. Although Jake did order PEPPERONI pizza last night, which was actually quite delicious.

I'm only here for four more months. Wonder if I can hold it that long...